I am not sure what a blog is really supposed to be. Is it supposed to be impersonal? How real can we be with each other in this blog world? This is not a diary or a journal, it is a blog. But how can I write the blog and not share what is real for me in this moment?
I keep squeezing my hands together hard. Then I am pulling and pushing my knees. I am trying to feel my body. I am trying to be right here right now. I am trying to keep my heart open. I am trying not to feel and trying to feel at the same time. I am a little crazy because my heart is just aching. The dog I have known and loved for so many years is very sick and I have to make decisions. Tikvah is disoriented and mostly just sleeping….
But today it is pouring rain…hard hard rain. And he insists on being outside in it. He is in the forest…his favorite. I was out in the rain with him…my hands on his wet body...him sleeping settled into the pine needles. JC brought a tarp out and made a big tent over him. We covered him up with a fleece blanket….he is sleeping hard.
He has been through so much with me. Hiking in the most beautiful places on earth, adjusting to new cultures and languages, cold cold winters and hot tropical summers. He has lived in Israel, Maine, Mass, Sweden, New Mexico, Georgia and Florida. He was still as stone while I stitched up a 15" cut on his belly...with dental floss.....on an island in Sweden (he ran over a rusty piece of metal in the snow and sliced himself wide open...he would have died by the time we got to a hospital). He has been loved in many languages. He has been a nomad (yesmad) with us for the last year. His name should have been the Buddha. He has the Buddha nature more than anyone I know. He is four legged love and ease. He looks and moves like a baby polar bear. I love him with way too much of my being. This is how it is…we let these beings into the biggest rooms in our heart mansion.
The vet said Tikvah cannot eat carbohydrates anymore. The vegan super dog is now on a diet of all meat. I can see the inconsistency in this. I can see that I am harming many beings because of this one being I care so much about. I saw a squirrel on the road yesterday, flattened by a car’s tires. I was aware immediately that while I feel bad for the squirrel, I do not feel my heart weighing 300 pounds in my chest when I see him. I do feel this heart weight for Tikvah.
And I am also aware…(in my calmer moments….when I am meditating or just breathing)…..that this too shall pass…..everything is changing. When Tikvah is gone, I will think of him and smile or laugh…..just like I have done with every dog and every person I have ever lost. It is is my selfish hanging on that is causing me so much pain. He is sleeping peacefully under his tarp in the forest.
Once again, I get to remember to embrace the 10,000 joys and the 10,000 sorrows…
But for now there is a river of tears that will not stop….and it is pointless to try to stop it….eventually the river will dry up.
(My friend Pat just put on Robby Hecht’s music and it is like comfort food…It is healing my heart…..if you never heard him, check out the album Late Last Night and play it when you need healing)